Friday, 3 May 2013

Day 36: Another perspective (Best friends)

So I had alot of emails and a few comments following James's post, saying what a good idea it was, as we never really see jaw surgery from somebody elses view other than as ourselves going through it. So I handed this post over to my best friend Vicky - in honesty her post made me cry, she talks about her fears and nerves watching me go through jaw surgery! (I'm also going to ask Dani and my parents to write one at some point!)
When we think about what we want out of life, most people think of their career path and having a family. For Emma though, she's had something completely unique on her list. She wanted Jaw Surgery and after a long wait, she’s had it!
The first time I met Emma I noticed something different about her... I thought she was a twin! (No, really I did). Well I got that wrong, but I came to learn that there was something different about Emma.
During college me and Emma became extremely close friends. Although she's a 'little worrier', she’s always been the strongest member of our little duo. Emma has always had a huge amount of independence. I would never have thought this back at 16 when Emma spent most of her days in a dressing gown and didn't know how to turn the washing machine on! But she's always been independent with regards to what she wants out of life. I found it amazing when Emma was set on having Jaw Surgery.
I don't think throughout college and the start of Uni it ever really sunk in. I remember in second year of college, we were asked to introduce each other In front of the class. Being best friends, we had a lot to say about one another, and one of them on my list was that Emma had a 'deformed jaw'. I remember everyone being confused and shocked but I don't think anyone including me saw anything wrong with Emma's Jaw. Admittedly, I've always been extremely jealous of Emma because of how absolutely gorgeous she is! It made me feel even more jealous when I realised how gorgeous she is inside. Back then, major surgery didn't seem real to me.

I remember a month before her surgery and she told me shed set a date and changed her surgeon. I have no idea why but I didn't take it in. I think because we'd been waiting so long for this day, when it came it just felt like they were going to say 'no Emma, you're not ready yet'.
I think that month went unbelievably fast! The most upsetting time for me at this stage was not being able to see her before surgery. Since she told me that she had a date, I hadn’t seen her for a while and I felt terrible! I wanted her to know I was there for her and I was thinking about her, but texts and emails just weren't the same as the hug I was dying to give her.
Week of the Surgery
The week of her surgery, I think adrenaline pumped in. I wasn't excited...I was worried. I started to have loads of dreams about her going into theatre. I’ve never liked the thought of surgery for anyone. I've always thought what If something goes wrong. I think because I hadn't said good luck and I love you to her face, I kept worrying thinking if anything happens will I ever get to say bye.
The day of surgery, went extremely slowly. I woke up at a ridiculous time in the morning after another weird dream and went into Uni early to do work. The whole of the Uni was completely silent and I remember sitting in the library being so fidgety. At this point I have to thank James. He was absolutely amazing at keeping me up-to-date with everything that was going on!
After the surgery, I was so relieved that she had come home and everything had gone according to plan. James kept me up to speed with everything, which was brilliant and I was so happy she was doing well. She's so strong! For me though, that first week was horrible. The nerves had set in and I realised that the next time I see my Emma, she will look different. I think the first time she showed me a photograph, I was stunned. But then I thought calm down this was taken when she had just come out of surgery, she's bound to look different.
I think it really really hit me when she uploaded a video on her blog. Within the first 20 seconds of viewing it, I broke down in tears. She just looked so pale and so ill, and it just felt like her sparkle had gone! That week and when more photos came, I was getting more and more nervous about seeing her. To take my mind off the nerves, I started to focus on how I could show her I love her. I thought I'd do her a little box with bits in to keep her going so she could relax and pamper herself. I think I felt like I had to compensate for not being there beforehand.

I think the worst thing about that week was when I tried to explain to people who didn't know Emma why I was nervous. No one seemed to understand why I was petrified about seeing her for the first time. I couldn't get to sleep all week because I felt so guilty for feeling nervous about seeing my best friend. I know she hadn't changed inside but I couldn't explain why the surgery had made me so anxious to see her and no one understood. I think it felt even more worse because I felt like I couldn't talk to Emma about it. I didn't want her to be worried about me and I didn’t want her to think I was being a rubbish friend. It got so bad at one point that I was really close to giving her some crap excuse to say I can't come and see you. Even thinking of saying that made me feel sick. I just felt like such an awful friend!
The night before I went to see her, I actually started to get excited. I really really missed her and I wanted to show her my box of goodies; I kind of dragged Jordan along with me. I thought if I start to get upset I want someone I can hide my face behind.
When I did see her, I couldn't look at her straight in the face. I put the box of stuff on her knee, and when I was pointing to things, I realised my hand was shaking and so I just thought I'd sit down quickly before she noticed. I decided to tell her a story of what had happened to Jordan the day before to make her laugh. And it worked! And even though half of her face didn't move I could see the sparkle in her eyes returning.

I’d never once say that Emma had done the wrong thing. It's what she wanted and I was always beside her every step of the way. She looks even more gorgeous than she ever did before and I feel so lucky to have such a strong best friend and an amazingly gorgeous one too. I still feel silly for feeling and reacting the way I did. I know Emma herself probably won’t be aware of everything I felt through that first week until she’s read this. I'm just glad that the hard part is over with now and she's on the road to full recovery. She's been amazing! I love her 

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