Sunday, 5 May 2013

Day 38: Sleeping milestone and a good cry.

So last night I hit another milestone, I slept in my own bed, for the entire night! In honesty I made a fortress of pillows to guard my face, but managed to have an amazing sleep. I only woke up once and even slept in until 9.45! Amazing! I didn't plan to get in my bed, I got on my chair and within 5 minutes i'd had enough and thought oh sod it. I spent most of the night on my back, and if I did roll onto my face I made sure pressure was on my forehead rather than directly on my jaw. But one step closer to normality.

Today soon turned into a pretty awful day. I originally became really productive, and even made a video. However shortly after my mood rocketed and I turned so depressed I even uttered the words "I hate my new face, why couldn't I just have been greatful with what I had - this jaw surgery was the worst thing I have ever done" *Gasp* That turned into a massive sob, and I mean real hysterical crying which probably lasted the best part of an hour.

Now I feel more positive about the situation; how I should have looked at it is; I'm learning to smile again, my smile is wonky because my swelling is worse on one side but non-existing on the other, I can't talk properly yet because of numbness and swelling and stitches, and my face looks completely different - but completely normal.

I guess you never appreciate how hard it is to get used to something completely new, especially when it's changing on a daily basis. To me my new face looks weird, it looks out of proportion and it looks totally different. To anyone else it looks normal - but a normal smile with no gums showing, or a normal jaw line is Not something I am used to!

Anyway, on 'reflection' of said event, I'm not going to upload the video I did, nor any photos I took. I'm going to start a new day tomorrow and attempt it again, and appreciate that yeah, I'm healing pretty well, but i'm a long long way from total 100% recovery. People say that you shouldn't worry about your appearance until 6 months post-op, but that's real hard isn't it?!


  1. Awh Emma that sounds so rough.. I know what you mean about thinking a new face looks weird. I think I look the same just weird and fat! Everyone kind of has these expectations that I don't think I'm going to meet! I look weird, not better. I know my teeth look better but I don't think it adds anything to my overall appearance. It's strange.

    I'm not sure my comment made sense- sorry! But I agree exactly what you've said. This whole process just is so emotionally and mentally challenging. A change in your face is a big deal- you can't hide it and it's a huge part of who you are as a person!

    Keep your chin up - you're an inspiration for someone like me! (I had the same op, practically the same measurements except my advancement was slightly more and your impaction was slightly more and I didn't have genio!) - I'm 3 weeks behind you so I love reading how your progress is getting on. You're doing so well- you seem like such a strong person and these little setbacks will just add to your life experiences!

    I know that sounded cheesey and I'm sorry ha :)

  2. I wish I could come and give you a big hug!
    Cheer up my love, you have done so amazingly well so far and we are all so very proud of you.
    You've always been gorgeous, and I know once the swelling has gone down we will be able to have photographs taken without you saying 'Ugh I don't like it' :P (Looking forward to that :P)
    Embrace the new you and feel proud with what you have achieved! The swelling will go... so just be patient!
    You've been waiting for this for so long now, you need to start to enjoy it :):)
    I love you lots xxxxxxx

  3. Hey Emma! (:

    I think it's okay that you're feeling the way that you do, because honestly, it's normal for you to feel the way that you're feeling. Normal for you, or any one of us who is going through recovery, is your old smile. Normal isn't really a 'real' thing in my mind. It's subjective and that's something that I've really learned through this healing process. And you're face is changing . . . whether it's for the better or not. I loved my old face to me and here, people were telling me I was "beautiful" with or without the surgery, and to me, that's still confusing. I think, instead of looking at it aesthetically, I'm looking at it physically. I can breathe now! I can talk better now! I can sing much better now and sooner or later, I'll be able to play my clarinet better! And I'm sure you'll even be able to chew better!

    I think we all go through these moments, me, especially, but I've slowly come to grips wit the situation. I'm still not 100% okay with anything, but I'm learning that I'm becoming stronger. And you are too, my dear! Your smile is something personal, but who the heck cares how it looks? Right? When you smile, it's all about how you feel and not how about you look. All it does show, is how happy you are. So in light of this, I'd like to share some quotes with you, as I love them! (:

    "How do you define 'normal'? Is it an IQ? Or height? Or hair color? A way to act? Or dress? A job to have? Is it a matter of perception? Does it even exist?"

    "Life is about the little things that make you smile, the people that can make your day and not even try, the trails you surpass to be a better, the moments you see and hear, making memories and living in the moment, not worrying about tomorrow until arrives, giving everyone a chance, flourishing in your world, and being you."

    "Somethings you feel everything and nothing at once. Sometimes you find yourself smiling, while missing at the same time. You can absolutely love someone, and all at the same time,be trying to hate them. Life comes without guarantees, except that smiling will brighten your face, laughing will enhance your eyes, and falling in love will change your life."

    “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

    “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

    That last quote, was from Church, and I fell in love with it. Anyway, I hope that you really do feel better, as you've given me a lot of inspiration to keep going too. You are stronger than you know it! (:

  4. Wow. That's way long. I apologize for that . . . hahaha.

  5. Thank you so much for this blog. It helps me getting through this. I'm almost 4 weeks post op double jaw surgery. Greetings from the Netherlands